Time for sleep… I think it’s best
Yesterday she used the word that all true Dominants hate to hear…”fear”.
she is living life fearful that she will do something wrong, make a wrong step, make the wrong move.
I have to say it’s left me lost.
I very rarely punish her…maybe 4 or 5 times in our 6 months together. I tell her when I don’t like the way things are, but I pick my points. I try not to nit-pick…focus on the important things….don’t sweat the small stuff.
I seem to be failing.
she told me that she misses being praised for good things, that I used to be more understanding of outside factors that restrict and curtail.
I’m constantly telling her to spend time on other things. I had her cancel a trip to see me because of the potential effect it would have on those special people who would be back home. I tell her how beautiful she is, I encourage her through life…I tell her she is my good girl.
But I’m failing.
Maybe the words “good girl” have lost their meaning…maybe it’s too cliched. I don’t really know…
I encourage her to be open with me, I get her to open up when she doesn’t, and yet she fears opening up to me in case I shut her down, or maybe, that I let her go again. I communicate the best I can…we talk for hours pulling these issues apart. It’s something I’ve prided myself on. When she says things like she posted today “Our relationship is unique as He allows me to be myself and expressive in my thoughts and heart” I burst with pride, but are these words not true? Are they simply lip service? Am I shutting her down and closing her off?
I now look back at the times when say I wan’t her to do something, and she will say “Anything for you Master”. Was that through fear? Am I a bully? Am I not a Dominant?
And there it is…I said it…for now I’m fearful…am I not a Dominant…do my words and thoughts not match my actions.
Time for some deep self analysis.